Time

Time has really slowed down. It's been a little over six weeks since we said good-bye to sprout. It feels like it's been months. So much has changed over the last couple of months. Life is different.

We have known for a month and a week that Chris has ulcerative colitis. I didn't even know what that was two months ago. I didn't know how much life would change two months ago. Chris has had a lot of low points over the last few weeks, but he is getting better. I hate that I can't fix this. I've had to learn to be more patient, loving, and to take each day...sometimes hour at a time. We struggle with how to deal with this and how we see things...but it's getting better. The side effects from the medicine are hard. Sometimes Chris is great, other times he's crying, other times he's mad at the world. We are learning how to deal. We can beat this colitis. We have each other and Owen. Family is really all that matters.

I think of my angels a lot. I know they are watching over us.

Being a Mommy...

This is my new favorite picture!! :)

Being a mommy...it's so much more than I ever thought it would be. Some moments are really hard and I wish I had more patience. Some moments are filled with laughter and chasing each other around the house. Some moments are just rocking him to sleep at night...thankful that we survived the day. Some moments I wish I had more time to just play with him. Some moments I don't know how I'm going to survive this tantrum. Some moments I can't believe he's all mine. Being a mommy is the hardest and best thing I'll ever do. He's my world and I love him so much. He teaches me each and every day. I'm better because of this little boy. I'm thankful that I get to spend every day with him. :) I was born to be his mommy.

The past few weeks have taken forever. It feels like so much time has passed since I found out sprout was gone. So much has changed. So many things have happened. My life is different now. I'm trying to learn how to deal with life now. I feel a little lost. I don't know if I've been able to grieve this loss yet.

A really hot mess...

I just realized it's been four weeks since I started having my miscarriage and who decided to show their ugly face Aunt Flow...my period, almost to the hour when I started the miscarriage. I only got a two week break of no bleeding...ugh this is an ugly reminder. It makes me feel all ugghh again. It brings back all the pain...that yep I'm not pregnant! I loss my baby. Thanks. The cramps, the bloating, the feeling ugly, the messy cry...that's where I am. I so want my baby back. I should be six weeks away from giving birth to my baby I loss in June...I should be 14 weeks with this little one. Now I don't know when we will get to try again or if it will ever happen. But why am I so worried about this where there is so much going on...

my hubby!!! The last few weeks have been a blur...with him being sick and in and out of doctor appointments and hosptial visit and throwing up in the middle of the night and trying to get him to eat. It's been crazy! I'm glad that we met with the gi doctor yesterday and there is a plan in action and trying to find the right medication and get this flare down and chris gaining weight and feeling normal...whatever that means. I just want to scream. I don't know how to handle this and sometimes I haven't been enough or strong enough...and this is my life.

and then my dogs...we lost our dogs today...and my whole heart is sad.

Changes..

Chris having ulcerative colitis is going to change how we do things around here...especially with cooking. I've been searching all day for recipies and how we are going to do this as a family. I'm going to do my best!!!

Life..

All I do is seem to talk about my problems. I feel like it's taking over my life. ahhhhh!!!!!

two weeks.

It's been two weeks and two days since I lost our little one. I think about it everyday. I feel broken.

Life...

When it rains it pours.

That what people say. I feel like this miscarriage is now placed on hold. (I'm still bleeding!)

Chris has been sick off and on for the past few months. It's something do with his stomach/intestines. He would have lots of good days and just a bad day here and there. Now it's just really really bad. He finally asked last week for to make a doctor's appointment. We went Monday and they are running lots of blood work and doing a colonosope on Friday. I'm worried. He's lost almost 40 pounds and he's hardly eating and other symptoms. He doesn't like to talk about it. He was out of breathe putting on his clothes this morning for work. I prayed for him and felt like it's going to be okay. But I'm still so worried.