I stuggle a lot...a lot of days. Chris and I both want more children. It's a great desire for us. This is hard. Some days I'm okay and I'm happy. But other days I cry. Every month you get to try and then you wait to see if you are pregnant and that week comes and it's heartbreaking. Then you start over with hope. Sometimes I just want to give up. But I have so much for love for these children I hope for. In the past it's been so easy to get pregnant. That's our problem we get pregnant too easy and can't carry them for to long. But long enough to fall so in love. But now we have a new battle...Chris is on a lot of medicines that may cause infetelity problems. So we must try and try. I can't give up. I have hope for my children. I know that somehow we will be blessed with more children to raise here on Earth. If I can not birth them...we will find a way.

Chris and I have decided that we are going to try for the next year to get our little rainbow sprout. We have a new challenge: Some of the medications Chris is on causes low sperm count! That's our new battle. We get pregnant very easily...that's our problem and I for some reason can't carry them. Ahhh I feel like I have issues!! But I'm going to have HOPE that we can do this! I know my family is not done. I know that I will have more children. My family is not done.

If we can't do it in the next year...then we will start the adoption process.

Prayers please! :)

Looking up...

The last week has been not so easy. I have to take progesterone right after I ovulate, which causes me to be dizzy. Then I start testing as soon as I can. I've gotten positives about a week after ovulation. I have to up my dosage of progesterone when I get a positive. It's all just so frustrating. I don't want to have to keep so close tabs on this. I start testing...and then I think I see something on Thursday...but you have to hold it up and study it a million times a day. I take test everyday and it's just not a fun game to play. My boobs get sore and I'm having cramping but no period...and if there is any line it's not getting darker...and I'm ready for this aunt flow to get here.

I want to have more children more than anything...but I can't let this control my life. I hate this part.

the dreaded two week wait!!!

Chris and I decided to ttc this go around because so many people have successful pregnancies after having a hsg done. If it doesn't happen this go around we are going to wait till summer. We should know this week. I hate the wait. I also have to start progesterone as soon as I ovulate. It makes me super dizzy. I just really want to carry a little one for nine months.

I just want to explain things....Sometimes people say I'm so glad you have Owen.

I can see where people would say that, but it also makes no sense to me. It doesn't make me feel better at all.

I am so thankful to have my son. I love him more than anything and everyone. I'm so happy to be his mom and I can't even explain how I truly feel about being a mother and the miracle that he is. I thank Heavenly Father everyday for him. My world is so much brighter and happy having him. Being able to experience being pregnant for nine months and birthing him...it's amazing. I love love love Owen. I'm so thankful to be his mother. I  know how truly lucky and blessed I am.

But I should have six more here. I should be able to experience this with all of my children. I am missing out on everything with this six little ones. Six littles ones that I will never get to hold or see grow up or here them laugh. It's hard and nothing will ever take that pain or loss away. I will always grieve for these little ones.

Yes, it does get better and I do try to cherish every little moment with Owen because I don't know if I'll be able to do it again.

I love my son and my six angels.

Normal

I just got the lab results and NORMAL!!! Yesterday they said everything looked PERFECT!!!!!

I want to SCREAM!!! I don't want everything to be NORMAL! I want something to be wrong with me so they can fix me. I want something to be wrong so I can know why I have lost six babies. I want to know why. I don't want it to be normal. I want to be able to fix things so I don't have to go through this anymore. I don't want to have another miscarriage. I want to have another baby...here with me.