May is full of mixed emotions!!

In May of 2011, I found out that I was pregnant for the first time. I was sooo excited. I took three test that day. I told the world because I wasn't really aware of the world of miscarriage at that time. My mom had had two, but she also had seven children. I didn't know anyone else personaly who had gone through it.

I was so excited when I got that positive! We had only tried one month and boom!! For about four weeks I was in baby bliss. I had already started buying baby stuff and decorated the room before we even started trying. I was sooo ready to be a mom.

I went to my first doctor's appointment and just did blood work and discussed everything pregnancy related. We set my appointment for my ultrasound. I already loved this little one so much.

The night before my birthday...May 23rd. I had went for a walk when I got back I had some brown discharge. I was freaking out. I googled. (it's what I do best!) It seemed like it was a normal thing and brown was good because it meant old blood. But the next day it just got worse and worse. I was passing clots and bleeding a lot. Chris had went to get tractor work and I couldn't get a hold of him. I was just a mess. I kept calling my mom and sisters to talk. I was passing bigger clots...so I called my mother-in-law and she came to get me to go to the ER. My dad was on his way to meet us from work. The bleeding was getting worse and worse, but I still had hope for my baby.

The tech did the ultrasound and they are allowed to say anything to you and can be pretty rude. They said my doctor would call me with results. I knew deep down that my baby was alredy gone.

It was after 5...but I got a call from my doctor saying the baby was gone. My heart broke. I was a mother to an angel.



Tomorrow is the due date for my 6th little one. Yes, being pregnant does help. But it doesn't replace that I should be about to give birth to this sweet angel. I will never know this little one. I keep my ultrasound of my baby on the fridge, so I can remember all the little moments I had with them. I know one day I will get to see this sweet baby. My thoughts will be with them tomorrow.