Life...

When it rains it pours.

That what people say. I feel like this miscarriage is now placed on hold. (I'm still bleeding!)

Chris has been sick off and on for the past few months. It's something do with his stomach/intestines. He would have lots of good days and just a bad day here and there. Now it's just really really bad. He finally asked last week for to make a doctor's appointment. We went Monday and they are running lots of blood work and doing a colonosope on Friday. I'm worried. He's lost almost 40 pounds and he's hardly eating and other symptoms. He doesn't like to talk about it. He was out of breathe putting on his clothes this morning for work. I prayed for him and felt like it's going to be okay. But I'm still so worried.

Normal

For weeks while going through all this I kept saying I just want to be back to normal. But I've come to the conclusion this is my new normal. My normal is that I'm an mom to six angels in heaven. It will always be a part of who I am. I will always grieve for these little ones. I will always want there here with me. This is my normal.

the end.

Tuesday evening at around 7pm I took the first pill. I was really scared and nervous. I felt like I just had a few moments left of being with my little sprout before having to say good-bye. I was ready for it to be over, but still wanting to be pregnant. I didn't want to be here again or doing this. It sucks!!!

About an hour after I took the pill I went to the bathroom and there was already light spotting. Another hour later I started light cramping...period like cramps. I was so done and just wanted to go to bed. But Owen was so full of energy and running everywhere. Chris let me go get in the bed, but Owen wanted to be near his Mommy.

Finally at 10 we got Owen to sleep. I new it was going to be a long night and wanted to get some sleep. But being Abby I can't sleep with all this going on. At around 12 I started really cramping. I wanted to do it all without pain medicine. I've done it before I thought I could do it again. By now I was really bleeding and filling up the toilet when I went. I tried to sleep when I could. At around 1 the cramps were pretty intense..they were more than cramps...contractions. They would be really sharp pains and then relax...but they were one right after another. I tried to breathe and then I would go to the toilet. Right around 2...They were really sharp and that's when I passed the baby and the placenta. I was trying to look and see if I could tell...I knew what I was looking at and it broke my heart. The contractions were still coming so I finally took the medicine...it helped and put me to sleep.

I'm not strong enough to do this right now.

Dr. Visit

Today I had my doctor appointment. Chris was able to come with me. We did another ultrasound just to make sure. Little sprout was still the same size. You could tell the sac was starting to detach itself from uterus. We talked to doctor about what we wanted to do...I will start medicine (abortion pill) this evening and for three days take it. It should start the miscarriage. I got back Friday morning first thing and if it hasn't then I will have a d&c.

The next days are going to be hard. It's my last little bit with my sprout.

The Longest two weeks ever...

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I found out our little sprout stopped growing. It's been a really long two weeks. Full of waiting, trying to grasp the idea that I will never hold this little one or watch them discover the world, trying to find some kind of hope, losing faith, being angry, finding love, and dealing with all the pregnancy symptoms. It hasn't been easy.

I'm ready for this to be done. I'm ready for the ugly part to be over with. I've never been at this place...knowing that I'm going to miscarry and still feeling so pregnant.

But I feel like it's about to happen. I feel like my body is about to explode. I had a little hope that maybe the doctors were wrong...but there is none now. I know that this is going to end. Our little one is already in heaven.

The hard part is about to happen. I don't want to say good-bye. I don't want to have to bury another little on in our special place in our yard.

I somehow feel that I will have another child. I really think I will birth another one...but if I can't...We will look into adoption. I want to have more children. Nothing brings me more happiness than being a Mommy. I love my Owen and my angels. I always wanted to be a mother...have a house full of laughter, screaming, joy...just everything. My heart has so much love to give...

I'm ready for the ugly part to be over...

I'm ready to move on...and try again. Heavenly Father help me.

The waiting...

It's been 9 days since I found out my baby died...My body still hasn't figured this out yet. I was so sick last night. I felt like I just wanted to throw up on everything. Every morning I'm really dizzy and today at lunch I couldn't finish my sandwich because it tasted disgusting.

I'm ready for the waiting to be over. This part really sucks. I've never had to do this before. With our MC in June...I started spotting right before a doctor's appointment. I thought it was all over and we did an ultrasound and the doctor said the pregnancy was still viable...even though it was measuring three weeks behind and he didn't get a heartbeat. I knew he was wrong, but I still had a little hope. That night..well early am at 2 in the morning it all started. The most horrible experience.

With all my other MC...I had never seen a little one on the ultrasound. I wasn't prepared to see my little one. I had so much bleeding and horrible cramps for about two hours before passing my baby. It was horrible.

Now as I'm sitting here...I know I have to do this again. This waiting is torture.

Return to Zero...

Last night I watched this movie, Return to Zero. I've been wanting to watch it for weeks now after learning about it. It's a true story about a couple who learn there child has died a couple of weeks before the due date. It follows the couple during the pregnancy, afterwards....and during a new pregnancy. I cried and cried during this film.

All of my losses have been early...I can't imagine going through this.

I think everyone should watch this film.

My body still thinks I'm pregnant....it's torture!

I'm having morning sickness, dizzy, tired, having to pee in the middle of the night...it's a cruel joke. I'm just waiting to miscarry my baby. I'm walking around with my baby that's no longer alive...it's not right.

Sorry today hasn't been a good day. I'm trying my best to do what I need to do during the day. Owen is probably watching way too much television. Sometimes I can't get out of bed.

I'm still in shock.

I still have a little hope that maybe the doctor is wrong...but I know it's not true.

I'm just ready to be done with this pregnancy.

Here we are again...

Words can't describe how I feel right now.

Tuesday I went in for the ultrasound. Since I have so many losses I always try to prepare myself for what could happen...but I was really expecting good news.

My mama went with me. Chris had to work. I'm so glad I wasn't alone.

The doctor asked me about morning sickness...and I was still having it.

We go in to do the ultrasound...and the image comes across. Little sprout had grown but I knew that it was suppose to be bigger. But I still had hope. The doctor looked around for a few minutes to see if he could see a heart beat. He couldn't find anything. My heart broke...I couldn't believe I was here again. This is exactly what planned out with our little one in June. I was broken. Sprout was measuring at 6 1/2 weeks and I was almost 8.

I held my tears as the doctor talked to me about doing testing. I really don't remember everything he said.

I feel broken.

So now I wait to miscarry my sprout. I'm still having morning sickness. I'm still feeling dizzy. I'm still feeling oh so tired. He did talk about a d&c...I've never had one so it scares me.

I go back in two weeks. If I haven't miscarried by then we will talk about other options.

Why is this happening?