Cooper's birth story

Saturday December 19th

 After getting Chris all set up for his tpn for the night. We prayed together and cried. I hated saying good-bye to him again. He had gotten home late Thursday night and we got to spend a couple of days together before having to say bye again. We talked about how we never really thought he wouldn't be at the birth of his son. My heart was breaking. I left to come to my parent's that night to spend time with my sisters. I left Chris with his mom. I hated leaving him.

Sunday December 20th

I stayed up with my sister till 2 in the morning, mostly talking about Chris. We got up early to attend church for Christmas Sunday. Everyone kept asking me how Chris was doing and excited about Cooper coming the next day. It was a beautiful day spent with my family. Owen was acting out the whole day and remember rocking him outside just crying because I knew it was some of our final moments of just him and me. It's been just us for three years and I just love him so much. I couldn't sleep that night and stayed up talking with Giner and Megan and taking a hot bath that night. My mind was in all different directions. I wanted so badly for my body to go into labor on it's own, but it wouldn't. I was scared of how inducing would be...but mostly my thoughts went to my husband. I didn't know if I could do it without him.

Monday December 21st

I got up early after tossing around and getting my snuggles with Owen. I woke him up and told him how Cooper was coming and that he would come see us in the hosptial. I talked about Cooper my whole pregnancy and I knew Owen was ready to be a big brother. I got up around 5:15 and made myself look presentable. That's one thing you can do with inducing. I was really getting excited. Today I was finally going to meet Cooper. I've waited for this moment for so long. Mama and Ally were getting ready, I'm so thankful for my support system. Ginger and Megan were going to help out with the kids. I'm so thankful to have such a strong and wonderful family. They have been my rock this whole time. Daddy was able to give me a blessing that morning...and I was ready. We did our best video taping the day so Chris could be a part of it. I called Chris on the way to the hospital...waking him up!! But I wanted him to be there for every moment.

We got to the hospital and no one was in the waiting room, so we called and they told us to come to the 2nd floor. We got there and there was a huge sign saying it was closed due to construction. We got a good laugh but a little scared. We called the the number on the door and they were able to come get me. We got settled into our room...they just wanted to moniter and see what was going on. I got hooked up to the IV and the Dr. Mcmorries would be in sometime to check and break water.

The day flew by...every hour. I was calling Chris and keeping him updated. They started the pitocin and I started feeling contractions pretty much right away...but nothing too painful. My family was having a group chat the whole laboring...it kept us entertained and laughing. Laughing during contractions aren't fun. My brother kept sending clips of him singing!! I loved it. It was fun having the be a part of it all.

At around 8:30 Dr. McMorries came in and I was a stretched 4 and 80 % effaced and he broke my water...It just kept coming out and out!! I was able to feel everything this time, not with Owen. The contractions kept getting greater and I just wanted to keep at it to see how long I could handle it. My friend, Liz came. The contractions were getting worse and I could feel it!! Nothing like I had with Owen. I was in some serious pain. They hadn't come to check in over two hours. If I was on the phone with Chris the contractions seemed a little better, so I kept calling him. A nurse came in and said two other ladies were going to get epidurals, so I said I would go ahead and get mine too. So about an hour later and a million strong contractions later I was able to get mine. I was in serious pain and the contractions were about every minute and a half. It was some of the worse pain I had ever been in. They said they would check me after the epidural.

Everyone stayed in the room during the epidural and that's when Megan got there and was about to open the door....watch out!! The epidural was painful because I was having strong contractions during it. After the epidural started working, things were a lot better. I was still able to feel the contractions and my tummy would come to a high point with each one. It was insane. During Owen's labor my legs felt like 300 lbs and I couldn't feel anything!! I'm so thankful the epidural was perfect this time.

They came to check me and I was an 8!! Things were getting exciting, but I was feeling better and really just wanted to nap. Sooo finally about an hour and a half later they came to check again and I was a 10!! I was a bit surprised and asked if I could have 10 minutes to prepare myself...it was about 12:30 then. I couldn't believe it was almost time. I didn't feel ready...but I did all at the same time. I remember crying because I wanted Chris to be there. But I'm so thankful my Mama and Ally were there. I'm glad I didn't have to do it alone.

They came in about 20 minutes later and said bye to Megan and Liz. It was go time!! I'm so thankful that I could feel each contraction...and it was time to meet Cooper. I had two nurses who were helping letting me know when to push...During each contraction I would push three times. I was trying my hardest and they said Cooper had a lot of hair. Surprise...we were all bald!!

Dr. McMorries came in and he said it wasn't going to be long and to call him when it was time. I pushed for about 20 minutes and they called Dr. McMorries...Cooper was ready. I pushed and pushed hoping each time Cooper would be out.  Cooper was having a little bit of trouble coming out and his heartbeat would go down and oxygen levels. He was stuck in my pelvic bone and they had to use a suction to help get him out. I was unaware of all of this untill he was out. After 40 minutes of pushing Cooper Marshall was finally here. He was perfect and a head full of hair. They laid him right on my chest and I was able to hold him for a good hour. He was wide awake and just looking around. He weighed 7lbs 6.5 oz 20 1/2 inches long...at 1:40. He is so beautiful and I'm thankful that Chris was able to be a part of it all. Our little rainbow is here and we are so in love!!

Dear Cooper

Dear Cooper, 

I am your mommy.  I have prayed for you, hoped for you, tried for you, and now you are almost here. I’m so excited, but I’m scared too.  This pregnancy has been so easy, but life has been extremely hard. I’ve been running around taking care of your daddy and big brother, sometimes forgetting I’m pregnant all together. Now I have to step away and put all my focus on you. I pray that I can be the mommy you need

.

I can’t wait till Owen gets to hold you at the hospital the day you are born. He’s so excited for you. He loves to sing you songs and give you kisses. He already says you are his best friend, but he doesn’t really want to share his toys with you.

I can’t wait till we get home so Daddy can see his little boy. I know that you will give him the strength and fight to get through these next few months.  Daddy loves you so much. I can’t wait to see him play with his two boys. 

Little Cooper, this family needs you! I know that this is the exact time you are supposed to come.  We need a miracle and you little one are it. We love you so much and can’t wait for you to be here.

Love, Mommy

38 weeks and 5 days!!!

I can't believe I'm almost to the end!!! This pregnancy has really flown by...I'm sitting her all alone...Chris in Houston and Owen sleeping. I'm 4 cm dilated...crazy! Every day something is going on, but nothing is stopping this baby. I've been running around taking care of everybody...and now it's almost time for Cooper to be here. ahhhh freaking out just a little. Last time I was so worried about delivery. I haven't really had time to think about it. But it's about to happen. I'm about to give birth!! I so wish that Chris could be there, but I'm thankful he will be at home and able to meet Cooper. I've been battling if I was ready for him to be here or not...I think he will bring so much love to this home. We've wanted him for so long!! I love this little one so much. There's just so much going on...I feel like I won't be able to be the mommy he needs. I hope that I can be super woman and be there for all this boys. It's going to be hard, but I really can't wait to meet him. I'm ready to see Owen be the best big brother. I can't wait to see Chris hold him...I think it will help him so much. I don't know how the next year will be, but I just have to do it. I know it will be hard...but with have this miracle coming really really soon. Cooper, we are so ready for you and love you so much!

Almost 38 weeks!

How far along? 37 weeks 4 days...getting close!!
Total weight gain: I have no idea! Probably close to 25lbs. I have not been weighing or paying attention at doctors. This pregnancy I haven't been walking and eating like a monster!!! Being pregnant during Christmas...is not the way to go!!
Dr Appt updates: Last week I was 3cm dilated and 50 % effaced...everything is going. He said my cervix is soft and probably in two weeks...which we are close to one now. I go tomorrow morning. Only 2 maybe more to go!! This pregnacy has been perfect!!
Sleep: I slept good last night. But most nights...I sleep on the love seat. Cooper is moving and I'm uncomfortable. My back hurts and I have to pee and I'm just big...but it's great right!! :) Owen has been waking up to sleep with me and there is no room!!
Best moment of the week: Just being with my family!!
Movement: It's getting unreal!! Owen loves when he can feels him and gets excited!!
Labor signs: None!!
Belly Button: It's being stretched in every which way!!!
Milestones: I've only been here once before and I'm so excited to meet our little boy!!

The bags are packed and carseat in the car!! Just have to do a few more things...but we be ready!!

Flashback....38 weeks with Owen!!!!

How far along? 38 weeks! Baby is about 19 inches long and 7lbs! It's the size of a pumpkin! I think it's time for him to come out! :)

Total weight gain/loss: I gained 1/2 a lbs this week...so according to dr I'm up to abt 13lbs.

Dr. Appointment Updates?I had an appt on Thursday. My blood pressure was borderline, so they want me to come in on Monday to check my blood pressure. Owen's hb was in the 140's. I'm dilated to about a 2 and the baby had dropped even more...I knew that!! It's hanging out in-between my legs. My co-worker had her appt before me, and she was rushed to L&D b/c her blood pressure was really high and swollen. She's now put on bed rest.

Next Appointment: It's on Thursday at 2:50!!

Maternity clothes? YES!!

Sleep:  Yes, I've been sleeping pretty good. Just having dreams about baby. Chris finally had a dream about Owen coming. I still wake up to go potty...and there's times where I'm just wide awake..but I'm sleeping pretty good.
Best moment this week: Knowing that I'm just a little bit closer to getting Owen here. A lot of people have had their babies this week. I'm totally scared of labor...but I'm ready!!

Movement: Yes...and they are lower and feel like he wants to come out. I'm been having like a sharp pain go down to the area sometimes...but I just read for week 38 that is normal. It's the baby's head hitting nerves that are down there...it's called the lighting bolt. 

Food cravings/aversions: Nothing really!
Labor Signs: I really have only had braxton hicks when I'm walking and haven't really ate yet. I'm ready for some....are to see the bloody show or even water breaking.
Belly Button in or out? Yeah, it's out!

What I am looking forward to: Meeting Mr. Owen!

Milestones: I'm two weeks away from meeting my son! CRAZY!! 

 

The bags are in the car....I have a feeling it's going to be this weekend! But watch I'll go a week over. 

 

 

I have one more week of work!!! YEAH!

 

Only a little more than three weeks away!!!!

This pregnancy has flown by!! I can't believe we are almost here! It's unreal!! I haven't had a lot of time to think about it, but Cooper is coming!! I was dilated to a 2 and 50% effaced at my doctor appointment...he could feel Cooper's head and that freaks me out!! Little one is coming!! :)

I'm up in the air....He can stay in forever and I can't wait to meet him. Life is stressful and I know newborns make it crazy...but I can't wait to hold him!! And just love him so much! I can't wait to see Owen be a big brother! I can't wait for Chris to meet him. I've been looking and waiting for miracles to happen...and one has been here the whole time..Cooper is a miracle!! I'm so thankful for this little one.

35 weeks!!

How far along? Exactly 35 weeks! I can't believe we only have 5 weeks or less!
Weight gain? Close to 20!! Don't really weigh myself anymore.
Sleep? Some nights are horrible and others are okay!! Ready to get this baby out!
Best moment of the week? When Owen gives my belly a hug and says best friends cooper.
Things I miss: Just being able to bend and get around easier and just tired...it's hard keeping up with this family.
Look forward to: holding and seeing what Cooper looks like....seing Chris hold Cooper and seeing Owen be a big brother :)

just me

I've been feeling very overwhelmed and stressed here lately. Some days I don't know if I can keep doing this. Others days I feel pumped and postive and we can handle the world. I know that I love Chris more than anyone and I will keep fighting for his better days. I truly believe that we will get there. It's truly not going to be in my timing. I really can't believe that here we are six months later. I hate hat hate ulcerative colitis. I wish I could punch, kick, scream and kill it. It has truly tried to destroy us. I cannot let it control us. There is so much more than uc. I have to put trust, faith, hope in my Heavenly Father. It's really hard right because I feel like he is not listening.

We will win.

a year

Yesterday marked a year since we lost our last little angel. Memories of that day kept creeping into my mind all day. It's always hard to think back on those times. I love that little one so much. I got to see it on the ultrasound and keep the picture of the fridge. My heart was in heaven yesterday. One day little one I will hold you again.

30 weeks!!!

How far along? I can't believe we only have 10 weeks or less!!! We are in the 30's!!
Weight gain: Right at 14 pounds...doctor says I need to gain a pound a week! eek!! Cooper is getting big...about 16 inches long and 3lbs.
Sleep: I'm waking up a few times a night to go potty...it's getting hard to move this belly from side to side. Cooper is awake a lot at night!!
Best Moment of the week: Hearing Cooper's heartbeart in the 160's and doctor said this is a perfect pregnancy. Soooo happy to hear that!!
Things I miss: being able to bend, shave my legs easier, play with Owen....just getting around.
Look forward to: I'm know going every two weeks...and Chris getting better and Cooper being here and watching Owen be a big brother.

Struggling

I have pictures all over my house. Now it's kind of haunting me because it's pictures of better times. Times I wish I could go back and enjoy more. It reminds me of how Chris use to be, and I miss it so much. I wish I could wake up and all this be a nightmare.

This is so hard to do this day after day. I miss my husband so much. He now just lays in bed all day. He takes a few naps every day. I hate watching him walk around because he is so skinny and looks like he could just fall. He struggles to eat just a sandwhich.

I miss having him just be around. It's hard having to do it all. I try to have faith and hope that everything will be okay. I try to be positive for him, but it's so hard. I feel like I'm failing. There's so much that he is missing and it kills me. The hardest thing is seeing the person you love the most suffer. Health really is everything.

a little update...

Chris- He's doing a little better. He's hasn't bleed for two weeks, going the bathroom less, and he's eating enough to maintain his weight. But we really need him to up the eating. He has been in the 140's for a little over two months. He's really skinny and weak. He stays in bed all day. For the past couple of days he has gotten on his computer. Something that small makes me happy. I really ready for him to get better. It's been a long few months. I have faith that he will be back soon!!

Owen- He's 99 % potty trained!! He has only had one accident in about 4 days!! He lets me know when he needs to go and says mommy dry dry and run to the potty. He thinks he needs candy everytime!! He is speaking a lot and really starting to put sentences together. His favorite right now...Mommy, what you doing?   I hear something Mommy!! He loves to sing and dance!! He loves dinosaurs and trains. I can't believe he will be 3 so soon!!

Me-I'm hanging in there. There are some tough days! I don't know how I am handling all this really...but I am doing the best I can. I'm now over 26 weeks pregnant and pretty ready for this baby. This pregnancy has been pretty easy, I'm so thankful!! My dr joked the more stress I have the better the pregnancy! :) I've been organizing and getting ready for baby and holidays!!

Cooper-He moves around like crazy especially at night. He keeps me up a lot!! I feel a lot bigger than I did with Owen!! I can't wait to see what this kid looks like and give him cuddles!! Oh can't wait to meet you Coop!! :)

25 weeks!!!

Update on us!

The past few months have been crazy, stressful, emotional, the hardest of my life, tears flowing, celebrating little steps....just I can't believe this is happening to us! A year ago I would've never guessed this is where we would be.

We were at my parent's for the month of August. I'm so thankful for their love and support and just being there. It's hard trying to do this all!! Chris has had two blood transfusions, about to have another one. He's been taking to the er by ambulance from passing out when we got home. He's still on the picc line and maybe only has two weeks left. He has had two loading dosage of the remicade. He has fallen while I was trying to get him to the bathroom and hit his eye on a fan. He's staying strong in the 140's...I passed him up. He has some days where he eats and others he takes two bites and he is full. He has a lot of pain in his colon. He is bleeding less and taking less trips to the bathroom. There's small improvments. But he's very weak and spends most of his days in bed watching tv.

This has been so hard. It's hard seeing your husband, your best friend not being able to enjoy life, all the small moments, and just being with his family. I try so hard to stay positive and help in anyway I can..but I have my days where I'm just a mess. This has been the hardest days. I love Chris so much. My heart breaks for him. I wish I could do more, be more for him.

I have to have more faith, hope, pray more...and believe that miracles do happen. I truly miss my husband.

24 weeks!

How far along? 24 weeks! :) We made it to my baby can survive out of my womb! HUGE milestone!!
Weight Gain: Probably around 10 pounds eekkk!! I'm a little food emotional crazy eating!!
Sleep: Well with helping Chris, getting up to pee, and a toddler...yeah what do you think! Bring on a newborn!
Best moment of the week: Just being home and starting to put the nursery together and getting excited about Cooper joining us soon!
Things I miss: being able to bend, shave my legs is getting a little tough, being able to play wrestle with Owen, just being a family
Look forward to: Chris being healthy and just enjoying being a family and getting Cooper here.

It's a...

22 weeks and 1 day!

How far along? 22 weeks and 1 day! The down hill has begun!!
Weight gain: I have no freaking idea, but it's more than with Owen
Maternity clothes: All up in them!
Sleep: It's okay. But sleep has been all over the place since staying at my parent's for the past month. Owen is waking up more, I have to help Chris some, and I have to get up to pee a lot.
Best Moment of the month: Chris getting to feel Cooper move and finding out it's a boy!!
Looking forward to: This baby coming out!!

What a week!!

Monday morning Chris and I headed to his GI appointment, we weren't prepared when the first thing the doctor told us....you are going to the hospital for a week and we might have to remove your colon!! Freak out! I knew Chris wasn't doing well, and maybe needed to go for a few hours to hook up to some steroids ivs. We weren't prepared at all!!!!

Chris was weighing in at 148 with his shoes on and had a 103 fever. The doctor was very concerned about Chris being malnourished and dehydrated and how the ulcerative colitis was doing.

The next five days were a big blurr and long and a bunch of waiting and people coming in the room almost every hour. I never knew you didn't get any sleep while at the hospital. This was Chris' first stay and I've only had to stay a couple of days when I had Owen. Nurses came in to check blood pressure, temp, stool samples, change out all 4 of his iv bags, take him to procedures, get blood, test sugar levels...the list could go on. It was a hard few days.

They have Chris on a picc line for the next three to four weeks to help give him all the nutrients he needs and to have he start eating again. He is going to be starting remicade soon. Hopefully we can get the help we need.

Prayers please for Chris.

16 weeks!!!!!

How far along? Exactly 16 weeks! Sprout is the size of an avocado about 4 1/2 inches long!! It's about to double in size in the next few weeks!
Weight gain: At the doctor's last week I had gained 2lbs!
Maternity clothes: There are only a few pants left I can squeeze in to. I'm still in a weird in-between stage!! Ready for a real bump and not just look fat!!
Sleep: I'm sleeping pretty well, but I did have to pee three times last night!!
Best Moment of the month: Feeling sprout move! :)
Cravings: Nothing really
Looking forward to: July 31st! :)

I hate ulcerative colitis!!!!!

I really really do!!! Chris is in his 2nd flare...and it's almost as scary as the first one. I didn't think I would ever seem him like this again. It's scares me so much. I'm trying to stay positive and not let this disease win. The humira quit working, so the GI is trying to find the right medication for him. But everything takes forever to get approved from insurance and forever to get approved for help and everything is so expensive. This disease is so different for each person....what works for one won't work for the other. We are trying a stricter diet and getting supplements...anything to help Chris. He has lost about 25lbs and he is at his lowest.

I'm so scared for him!!!

13 weeks!

How far along: 13 weeks and 1 day! 6 more days of 1st trimester! woot woot!!
Weight gain: I haven't weighed myself in weeks...so I don't know. After vacation probably a lot! eek!
Maternity clothes: maternity pants are pretty comfy, just pulled some out today. I can fit my pants...just a little tight.
Sleep: Pretty well, wake up just about once to pee!
Best moment of the month: I got to quit taking progesterone!!! :)
Worst: Being away from hubby for 8 days while he is in this flare. It's so hard.l
Miss anything: just having lots of energy, but feeling pretty good right now.
Cravings: frosted flakes for weeks....finally bought some today and they weren't what I imagined!
Queasy/Sick: It's all gone!! Happy dance. I just get dizzy sometimes and headaches.
Looking forward to: Being done with 1st trimester and doctor appointment on the 30th!

10 weeks!!

How far along? 10 weeks and 1 day! :)
Weight gain: None yet!
Maternity clothes: I'm wearing some tops just because I don't want to wear my tight shirts...ugh I'm in the I'm bloated fat stage!!
Sleep: pretty well, besides a little boy who wants to wake up!! I get up at least once to pee a night and I'm having super crazy dreams.
Best Moment of the month: Seeing sprout twice on the ultrasound and seeing that heartbeat!! So in love.
Worst: Dealing with being nauseous all the time! (It's worst at night now!!)
Miss anything: Just having energy!
Cravings: root beer floats, mashed potatoes, biscuits and gravy
Queasy/sick: nauseous all the time!!!
Looking forward to: TUESDAY!!!!

A year ago...

It was my last week being 29, a little nervous to be turning 30.  I was pregnant. Hubby was healthy. Owen was a mess, but perfect. Everything was okay.

Little did I know that the months following would be some of the hardest of my life. We lost three sweet little ones in just a few short months. Chris got very ill and got diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and had to take three months off from work. As soon as Chris went back to work, blue bell had their recall. And now we are pregnant again.

It's really been a hard year. But I've learned that all you need is love and each other.

So I'm going to embrace being 31!

May is full of mixed emotions!!

In May of 2011, I found out that I was pregnant for the first time. I was sooo excited. I took three test that day. I told the world because I wasn't really aware of the world of miscarriage at that time. My mom had had two, but she also had seven children. I didn't know anyone else personaly who had gone through it.

I was so excited when I got that positive! We had only tried one month and boom!! For about four weeks I was in baby bliss. I had already started buying baby stuff and decorated the room before we even started trying. I was sooo ready to be a mom.

I went to my first doctor's appointment and just did blood work and discussed everything pregnancy related. We set my appointment for my ultrasound. I already loved this little one so much.

The night before my birthday...May 23rd. I had went for a walk when I got back I had some brown discharge. I was freaking out. I googled. (it's what I do best!) It seemed like it was a normal thing and brown was good because it meant old blood. But the next day it just got worse and worse. I was passing clots and bleeding a lot. Chris had went to get tractor work and I couldn't get a hold of him. I was just a mess. I kept calling my mom and sisters to talk. I was passing bigger clots...so I called my mother-in-law and she came to get me to go to the ER. My dad was on his way to meet us from work. The bleeding was getting worse and worse, but I still had hope for my baby.

The tech did the ultrasound and they are allowed to say anything to you and can be pretty rude. They said my doctor would call me with results. I knew deep down that my baby was alredy gone.

It was after 5...but I got a call from my doctor saying the baby was gone. My heart broke. I was a mother to an angel.



Tomorrow is the due date for my 6th little one. Yes, being pregnant does help. But it doesn't replace that I should be about to give birth to this sweet angel. I will never know this little one. I keep my ultrasound of my baby on the fridge, so I can remember all the little moments I had with them. I know one day I will get to see this sweet baby. My thoughts will be with them tomorrow.

Little Rainbow Sprout!!!

I was really scared going into the ultrasound. I had two missed miscarriages last year and ultrasounds are not my favorite things! The hubs got to go with me, so that helps to have support. He almost didn't make it. I had already been called back and was waiting for the doctor when Chris showed up. I'm glad I didn't have to go alone. 

But we got super super good news! Little sprout was measuring right at 7 1/2 weeks and the heart was just a pumping. We got to hear it and it was still in the 140's. I was beaming and so was Chris. Sprout, we adore you! :) 

Two more weeks till we get to check on sprout again. Hurry up already!

My smile won't go away!!

I was so nervous, scared, and excited going into my doctor appointment on Tuesday. I'm so thankful it was in the morning, so I didn't have to wait all day. I was prepared for the worse news and the best news. But I think overall I knew it was going to be okay. My mama and Chris were able to go with me, I need my support team. The last time we had all gone together, was when we saw Owen for the first time.

It felt like we had to wait FOREVER!!! They called us back and I knew it was about to get real. We first met with a nurse who went over all the questions of my history, what medications I'm taking, took a pregnancy test and it was super positive!! I should know I hava about 20!! I hate talking about my history. This is my 8th pregnancy. I've been pregnant as many times as my mom. Crazy!! I can remember all the dates and details. I really do miss all my angels.

We were then moved to another room to wait for the doctor. I truly love  my doctor. He walked in and asked Chris how he was doing and what was going on with his colitis. I was really impressed b/c I talked to him about that in Jan. We didn't wait long to move to ultrasond room to see little sprout. I was starting to freak out. I just wanted to know.

As soon as we saw the picture on the ultrasound it just looked like an empty sac. I was scared, we were all scared....but then he zoomed in and I saw the heartbeat right away. I was beaming!! There was my little sprout. The doctor then said the heartbeat was really strong in the 140's. They made me even more happy! I wanted to jump up and down!! The last heartbeat I saw was Owen's....so this is HUGE!! There were a few tears shared from all of us. Sooooo happy!!! The dr checked for a few other things. The egg came from the left ovary. He said right now there was no sign of miscarriage.

We are going to be going in every week, just to make sure everything is going okay. My two missed miscarriages from last year quit growing in the 6th-8th week. So this time is very vital. I'm still nervous and scared...but more happy. I really think at Christmas this little sprout will be here.

I'm this little one's mother! I love this little one soooooo much!!

keep growing sprout!

Tomorrow is the big day!!

Sprout-

 I'm so in love with you!! I can't wait to see you tomorrow! Even though I'm totally freaking out, I really feel like it's going to be okay. I can't wait to see your little heart beat! I'm love you so much!!!

Keep growing sprout.

Love,
Mommy

Being pregnant after multiple losses...

-Every time I go the bathroom I think I will see blood on the toliet paper.
-I google every little symptom and compare each day..
-I check my boobs a million times a day to see if they are still sore
-you dread ultrasound appointments
-taking mulitple pregnancy test for weeks just to make me feel okay and having to check them throughout the day to make sure they are still positive
-you thank heavenly father every day for another day with your little one
-you get happy when you've made it further than you did with other losses
-your sentences begin with if this pregnancy last..
-you are afraid to buy something it might jinx the pregnancy
-you want to let yourself be so happy...but you can't
-having morning sickness makes you happy
-i want to scream that i'm pregnant, but i'm scared

sooo about 20 pregnancy test later, sore boobs, tired all the freaking time, nausea kicking in, and having to wake up to pee already...it looks like I'm knocked up again!!! And I am so so so so happy!

We found out about two weeks ago. I had just gotten home from being in Dallas. I took a test and I could see a very very faint line, but I didn't even have to hold it up to the light. I got Owen and put a big brother shirt on him. We went to say hi to daddy in our room, Chris was excited. But he couldn't really see the line. But about two days later he could really see it. It's now sooooo dark I don't have to take anymore test!!

I'm about 5 weeks and 4 days I'm thinking. I know my body pretty well...and pretty sure I know exactly when the baby danced occurred. We go next week...on Tuesday at 9 am for an ultrasound. I've tried to stay calm and positive and not freak out and worry!!! Very hard to do!!

I prayed and I know a lot of people have for this little rainbow sprout. Chris and I have been trying for a few months. It's been full of ups and downs. I didn't even really think we would be able to get pregnant with all the medications Chris is on. I know all babies are a miracle, but sprout really really is one!

I'm so in love with our little rainbow sprout. I've already started planning out everything!!!!!! This little one will be due on Christmas Eve! Such a true Christmas miracle. I can't wait to hold our child. My heart is exploding with so much love.

Owen will lift my shirt and say hi baby!

We are so in love with you little one. We loved you before you were even created. Just keep on growing and growing. Daddy, Mommy, and Owen can't wait to kiss you all over!! You are my child, and I will forever love you.

I can't wait t

I stuggle a lot...a lot of days. Chris and I both want more children. It's a great desire for us. This is hard. Some days I'm okay and I'm happy. But other days I cry. Every month you get to try and then you wait to see if you are pregnant and that week comes and it's heartbreaking. Then you start over with hope. Sometimes I just want to give up. But I have so much for love for these children I hope for. In the past it's been so easy to get pregnant. That's our problem we get pregnant too easy and can't carry them for to long. But long enough to fall so in love. But now we have a new battle...Chris is on a lot of medicines that may cause infetelity problems. So we must try and try. I can't give up. I have hope for my children. I know that somehow we will be blessed with more children to raise here on Earth. If I can not birth them...we will find a way.

Chris and I have decided that we are going to try for the next year to get our little rainbow sprout. We have a new challenge: Some of the medications Chris is on causes low sperm count! That's our new battle. We get pregnant very easily...that's our problem and I for some reason can't carry them. Ahhh I feel like I have issues!! But I'm going to have HOPE that we can do this! I know my family is not done. I know that I will have more children. My family is not done.

If we can't do it in the next year...then we will start the adoption process.

Prayers please! :)

Looking up...

The last week has been not so easy. I have to take progesterone right after I ovulate, which causes me to be dizzy. Then I start testing as soon as I can. I've gotten positives about a week after ovulation. I have to up my dosage of progesterone when I get a positive. It's all just so frustrating. I don't want to have to keep so close tabs on this. I start testing...and then I think I see something on Thursday...but you have to hold it up and study it a million times a day. I take test everyday and it's just not a fun game to play. My boobs get sore and I'm having cramping but no period...and if there is any line it's not getting darker...and I'm ready for this aunt flow to get here.

I want to have more children more than anything...but I can't let this control my life. I hate this part.

the dreaded two week wait!!!

Chris and I decided to ttc this go around because so many people have successful pregnancies after having a hsg done. If it doesn't happen this go around we are going to wait till summer. We should know this week. I hate the wait. I also have to start progesterone as soon as I ovulate. It makes me super dizzy. I just really want to carry a little one for nine months.

I just want to explain things....Sometimes people say I'm so glad you have Owen.

I can see where people would say that, but it also makes no sense to me. It doesn't make me feel better at all.

I am so thankful to have my son. I love him more than anything and everyone. I'm so happy to be his mom and I can't even explain how I truly feel about being a mother and the miracle that he is. I thank Heavenly Father everyday for him. My world is so much brighter and happy having him. Being able to experience being pregnant for nine months and birthing him...it's amazing. I love love love Owen. I'm so thankful to be his mother. I  know how truly lucky and blessed I am.

But I should have six more here. I should be able to experience this with all of my children. I am missing out on everything with this six little ones. Six littles ones that I will never get to hold or see grow up or here them laugh. It's hard and nothing will ever take that pain or loss away. I will always grieve for these little ones.

Yes, it does get better and I do try to cherish every little moment with Owen because I don't know if I'll be able to do it again.

I love my son and my six angels.

Normal

I just got the lab results and NORMAL!!! Yesterday they said everything looked PERFECT!!!!!

I want to SCREAM!!! I don't want everything to be NORMAL! I want something to be wrong with me so they can fix me. I want something to be wrong so I can know why I have lost six babies. I want to know why. I don't want it to be normal. I want to be able to fix things so I don't have to go through this anymore. I don't want to have another miscarriage. I want to have another baby...here with me.

three years ago...

I lost my third little one three years ago today. I'm thinking of you today little one.

this was my post on my blog almost three years ago...

a little sad...

I've been trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of things...but every once and awhile a bit of sadness creeps it's way back in. I've been doing a little better the last few weeks, but I don't want my babies to think I have forgotten about them. I'm keeping my mind busy with eating healthy, exercising, and thinking about adoption. I'm just trying to find a way to be happy and not sad. I think if my shooting star had been born, oh how my life would be so different right now...I would have a baby that was a little over a month!! I think if butterfly would've been here...I would be getting a big belly right about now! Then my other little one...I call hummingbird...maybe morning sickness would've kicked in by now. It's crazy to think how different my life would be if my little ones were here. I know they are in heaven together watching over Chris and I.

There are soooo many people I know who have given birth over the last few months and more that are pregnant. I think how did they get sooo lucky. Why am I the one who can't keep a little one? Why did my little ones have to go? What is wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? I see every post their little baby pictures on facebook and it makes me sad. I should be doing that right now. I should be holding my little one!! My heart is broken.

I want to be a mother more than anything. I want my little family here on earth. I want to see my husband hold our baby and just give all his love to life we created. I wish things were different.

Then I think of adoption..and I know how hard it will be to bring in other parent's little ones. How can I make this child feel like I'm there mom? to feel loved? protected? safe?

I have so many thoughts.....I wish we could all get together. I miss my family.

Hysterosalpingogram...also known as HSG

Yesterday I headed to my doctor on a cold rainy windy day to talk about genetic testing. I felt nervous and a little scared, and a little broken with a little hope that we can get some answers. I did some basic testing after my second miscarriage and everything came back normal. I really really like my new doctor and trust him completely. I did blood work yesterday and today the dreaded hsg.

He told me a little bit about it, but not into details. I asked my fb family and googled it and got a little scared and nervous. I took my mom along so I could have some support. I hate that I have to go through all of this and just wish I could have babies easily. I never thought I would be here.

We had to wait for over an hour...the cold hospital. The nurses were nice and explained everything that was going to happen. It was all a little bit uncomfortable and I felt exposed to the whole world. the worse part was feeling the dye move up me. It was really bad cramps moving up my body. It was just about a 15 minute procedure and was happy to have it done. They said my insides looked beautiful, but I will get the rest of the results on Monday.

I hope to get some answers. I want more than anything to have house full of kids. I love being a mother.

This week...

The dreaded time of the month! It gets me every time. Hello...you aren't pregnant. Thanks!

I have an appointment on Thursday to do more genetic testing. Hopefully we will get some answers. 

Today is a hard day...

I've been dreading today for the past few weeks. Today is my due date for my little one we lost in June. My heart is broken. Today I would've met my child. I would hold them so close and tell them how much I love them, how much I wanted them, and how I am their mommy. But today I am here and will always wonder who you would have been and everything I am missing out on. I know you are looking from above, but more than anything I wish you were here little one. You were our first little one we saw on the ultrasound that we lost. I saw you three different times. You were so beautiful. I never lost hope. 

I remember the day I found out about you. It was the day after my grandfather passed away. It was a light and hope in a dark day. I was so happy to have you. I remember telling your daddy and oh how excited he was for you. I told Owen how he was going to be the best big brother. I remember telling my mom and it brought joy to her after losing her dad. I was able to spend almost 10 weeks with you. I dreamed of everything you would be. You made me really sick, but it made me know that you were growing inside of me. I'm thankful for the few weeks we had together. I love you so much little one.

 There were lots of ups and downs during those few weeks. I had to get my levels checked a lot and go in for a lot of ultrasounds. Some times things weren't matching up and the doctor didn't know what was going on. But I had hope little one that I would get to hold you. I never quit fighting for you. I remember the first time I saw you...you were perfect in every way.  I know that one day I will get to see you.

I remember when all the hope was gone and I was losing you. I was broken and your daddy held me. I prayed for you. We put you in a special place in our yard. I go there often. Owen likes to go see the flowers. We miss you little one. I so wish that today I was meeting you. I will always be your mommy! When we lost you the fields around the land were covered in little sun flowers. When I see them I think of you.

I love you little one!

crazy lady

that's what i'm becoming! Everyone around me is pregnant or annoucing they are....I am jealous!