Time

Time has really slowed down. It's been a little over six weeks since we said good-bye to sprout. It feels like it's been months. So much has changed over the last couple of months. Life is different.

We have known for a month and a week that Chris has ulcerative colitis. I didn't even know what that was two months ago. I didn't know how much life would change two months ago. Chris has had a lot of low points over the last few weeks, but he is getting better. I hate that I can't fix this. I've had to learn to be more patient, loving, and to take each day...sometimes hour at a time. We struggle with how to deal with this and how we see things...but it's getting better. The side effects from the medicine are hard. Sometimes Chris is great, other times he's crying, other times he's mad at the world. We are learning how to deal. We can beat this colitis. We have each other and Owen. Family is really all that matters.

I think of my angels a lot. I know they are watching over us.

Being a Mommy...

This is my new favorite picture!! :)

Being a mommy...it's so much more than I ever thought it would be. Some moments are really hard and I wish I had more patience. Some moments are filled with laughter and chasing each other around the house. Some moments are just rocking him to sleep at night...thankful that we survived the day. Some moments I wish I had more time to just play with him. Some moments I don't know how I'm going to survive this tantrum. Some moments I can't believe he's all mine. Being a mommy is the hardest and best thing I'll ever do. He's my world and I love him so much. He teaches me each and every day. I'm better because of this little boy. I'm thankful that I get to spend every day with him. :) I was born to be his mommy.

The past few weeks have taken forever. It feels like so much time has passed since I found out sprout was gone. So much has changed. So many things have happened. My life is different now. I'm trying to learn how to deal with life now. I feel a little lost. I don't know if I've been able to grieve this loss yet.

A really hot mess...

I just realized it's been four weeks since I started having my miscarriage and who decided to show their ugly face Aunt Flow...my period, almost to the hour when I started the miscarriage. I only got a two week break of no bleeding...ugh this is an ugly reminder. It makes me feel all ugghh again. It brings back all the pain...that yep I'm not pregnant! I loss my baby. Thanks. The cramps, the bloating, the feeling ugly, the messy cry...that's where I am. I so want my baby back. I should be six weeks away from giving birth to my baby I loss in June...I should be 14 weeks with this little one. Now I don't know when we will get to try again or if it will ever happen. But why am I so worried about this where there is so much going on...

my hubby!!! The last few weeks have been a blur...with him being sick and in and out of doctor appointments and hosptial visit and throwing up in the middle of the night and trying to get him to eat. It's been crazy! I'm glad that we met with the gi doctor yesterday and there is a plan in action and trying to find the right medication and get this flare down and chris gaining weight and feeling normal...whatever that means. I just want to scream. I don't know how to handle this and sometimes I haven't been enough or strong enough...and this is my life.

and then my dogs...we lost our dogs today...and my whole heart is sad.

Changes..

Chris having ulcerative colitis is going to change how we do things around here...especially with cooking. I've been searching all day for recipies and how we are going to do this as a family. I'm going to do my best!!!

Life..

All I do is seem to talk about my problems. I feel like it's taking over my life. ahhhhh!!!!!

two weeks.

It's been two weeks and two days since I lost our little one. I think about it everyday. I feel broken.

Life...

When it rains it pours.

That what people say. I feel like this miscarriage is now placed on hold. (I'm still bleeding!)

Chris has been sick off and on for the past few months. It's something do with his stomach/intestines. He would have lots of good days and just a bad day here and there. Now it's just really really bad. He finally asked last week for to make a doctor's appointment. We went Monday and they are running lots of blood work and doing a colonosope on Friday. I'm worried. He's lost almost 40 pounds and he's hardly eating and other symptoms. He doesn't like to talk about it. He was out of breathe putting on his clothes this morning for work. I prayed for him and felt like it's going to be okay. But I'm still so worried.

Normal

For weeks while going through all this I kept saying I just want to be back to normal. But I've come to the conclusion this is my new normal. My normal is that I'm an mom to six angels in heaven. It will always be a part of who I am. I will always grieve for these little ones. I will always want there here with me. This is my normal.

the end.

Tuesday evening at around 7pm I took the first pill. I was really scared and nervous. I felt like I just had a few moments left of being with my little sprout before having to say good-bye. I was ready for it to be over, but still wanting to be pregnant. I didn't want to be here again or doing this. It sucks!!!

About an hour after I took the pill I went to the bathroom and there was already light spotting. Another hour later I started light cramping...period like cramps. I was so done and just wanted to go to bed. But Owen was so full of energy and running everywhere. Chris let me go get in the bed, but Owen wanted to be near his Mommy.

Finally at 10 we got Owen to sleep. I new it was going to be a long night and wanted to get some sleep. But being Abby I can't sleep with all this going on. At around 12 I started really cramping. I wanted to do it all without pain medicine. I've done it before I thought I could do it again. By now I was really bleeding and filling up the toilet when I went. I tried to sleep when I could. At around 1 the cramps were pretty intense..they were more than cramps...contractions. They would be really sharp pains and then relax...but they were one right after another. I tried to breathe and then I would go to the toilet. Right around 2...They were really sharp and that's when I passed the baby and the placenta. I was trying to look and see if I could tell...I knew what I was looking at and it broke my heart. The contractions were still coming so I finally took the medicine...it helped and put me to sleep.

I'm not strong enough to do this right now.

Dr. Visit

Today I had my doctor appointment. Chris was able to come with me. We did another ultrasound just to make sure. Little sprout was still the same size. You could tell the sac was starting to detach itself from uterus. We talked to doctor about what we wanted to do...I will start medicine (abortion pill) this evening and for three days take it. It should start the miscarriage. I got back Friday morning first thing and if it hasn't then I will have a d&c.

The next days are going to be hard. It's my last little bit with my sprout.

The Longest two weeks ever...

Tomorrow will be two weeks since I found out our little sprout stopped growing. It's been a really long two weeks. Full of waiting, trying to grasp the idea that I will never hold this little one or watch them discover the world, trying to find some kind of hope, losing faith, being angry, finding love, and dealing with all the pregnancy symptoms. It hasn't been easy.

I'm ready for this to be done. I'm ready for the ugly part to be over with. I've never been at this place...knowing that I'm going to miscarry and still feeling so pregnant.

But I feel like it's about to happen. I feel like my body is about to explode. I had a little hope that maybe the doctors were wrong...but there is none now. I know that this is going to end. Our little one is already in heaven.

The hard part is about to happen. I don't want to say good-bye. I don't want to have to bury another little on in our special place in our yard.

I somehow feel that I will have another child. I really think I will birth another one...but if I can't...We will look into adoption. I want to have more children. Nothing brings me more happiness than being a Mommy. I love my Owen and my angels. I always wanted to be a mother...have a house full of laughter, screaming, joy...just everything. My heart has so much love to give...

I'm ready for the ugly part to be over...

I'm ready to move on...and try again. Heavenly Father help me.

The waiting...

It's been 9 days since I found out my baby died...My body still hasn't figured this out yet. I was so sick last night. I felt like I just wanted to throw up on everything. Every morning I'm really dizzy and today at lunch I couldn't finish my sandwich because it tasted disgusting.

I'm ready for the waiting to be over. This part really sucks. I've never had to do this before. With our MC in June...I started spotting right before a doctor's appointment. I thought it was all over and we did an ultrasound and the doctor said the pregnancy was still viable...even though it was measuring three weeks behind and he didn't get a heartbeat. I knew he was wrong, but I still had a little hope. That night..well early am at 2 in the morning it all started. The most horrible experience.

With all my other MC...I had never seen a little one on the ultrasound. I wasn't prepared to see my little one. I had so much bleeding and horrible cramps for about two hours before passing my baby. It was horrible.

Now as I'm sitting here...I know I have to do this again. This waiting is torture.

Return to Zero...

Last night I watched this movie, Return to Zero. I've been wanting to watch it for weeks now after learning about it. It's a true story about a couple who learn there child has died a couple of weeks before the due date. It follows the couple during the pregnancy, afterwards....and during a new pregnancy. I cried and cried during this film.

All of my losses have been early...I can't imagine going through this.

I think everyone should watch this film.

My body still thinks I'm pregnant....it's torture!

I'm having morning sickness, dizzy, tired, having to pee in the middle of the night...it's a cruel joke. I'm just waiting to miscarry my baby. I'm walking around with my baby that's no longer alive...it's not right.

Sorry today hasn't been a good day. I'm trying my best to do what I need to do during the day. Owen is probably watching way too much television. Sometimes I can't get out of bed.

I'm still in shock.

I still have a little hope that maybe the doctor is wrong...but I know it's not true.

I'm just ready to be done with this pregnancy.

Here we are again...

Words can't describe how I feel right now.

Tuesday I went in for the ultrasound. Since I have so many losses I always try to prepare myself for what could happen...but I was really expecting good news.

My mama went with me. Chris had to work. I'm so glad I wasn't alone.

The doctor asked me about morning sickness...and I was still having it.

We go in to do the ultrasound...and the image comes across. Little sprout had grown but I knew that it was suppose to be bigger. But I still had hope. The doctor looked around for a few minutes to see if he could see a heart beat. He couldn't find anything. My heart broke...I couldn't believe I was here again. This is exactly what planned out with our little one in June. I was broken. Sprout was measuring at 6 1/2 weeks and I was almost 8.

I held my tears as the doctor talked to me about doing testing. I really don't remember everything he said.

I feel broken.

So now I wait to miscarry my sprout. I'm still having morning sickness. I'm still feeling dizzy. I'm still feeling oh so tired. He did talk about a d&c...I've never had one so it scares me.

I go back in two weeks. If I haven't miscarried by then we will talk about other options.

Why is this happening?

Rainbow Sprout!

Oh such a sweet happy day!

I went to my first doctor appointment this week. I was meeting with a new doctor so a little nervous! The doctor was great and we talked about everything. I truly feel like he cares. He wanted to do an ultrasound, and I really wasn't up for it since what happened with our MC in June. We didn't see anything at 5 weeks. But we did. 

And we saw a sac and a yolk!! My itty bitty tiny rainbow sprout! 

I go back in two weeks to hopefully hear that beautiful sound of the heart beat!

Grow little sprout!

To my little love...

To my little love Owen,

oh little boy one day you will realize how much I love you. You bring so much love, joy, and smiles to my life everyday. I never thought being a mommy would be so hard and oh so much fun. You've taught me what love is all about and patience too. But just show me your cute smile and you melt my heart. I waited so long for you...You were worth everything. I can't imagine my life without you. You make Daddy and I so very happy. Little boy, oh I love you. I love spending everyday with you...watching countless episodes of Clifford and paw patrol, make oh so many messes with our art projects, and getting dirty in the sandbox. You teach me patience...when you throw epic tantrums, throw your food all over the floor, or bite me. You are our wild child! :)

oh little boy, I love you so much. 

Love, 

Mommy

Our Annoucement...

Most people wait 12 weeks to share their news, mostly for the reason in case something happens...but I've already been there a few times, and want to share my news early...I just found out this week...I'M PREGNANT!!

But the biggest reason I’m telling is because there is a little life in me I want to celebrate. I know things can go wrong I've been there five times already, but I don’t want to be afraid of this pregnancy because of that. I want to rejoice in it. I want people to know and pray for me and our family. I want to come on here and say I’m having a rough day, or I craved some pickles and everyone know why. I want to remember every moment of this pregnancy – regardless of how it all goes.

I tell myself, “Today I am pregnant. And I am thankful.” I am. That is my motto.. I am pregnant. I am thankful. And I’m choosing to share it with all of you.

This baby deep inside of me, ever so small, is a child of God. A child that God gave to me to take care of whether for a day or for years. That care began at conception. Whether he or she lives or dies each day I am with him or her is a gift and has a purpose with eternal consequences. My baby is now a part of my life, my testimony.

I need an army of prayer warriors praying for my new baby. I need prayers for me that I can have a clear mind and not be in constant worry or fear.

We already love this little one so much! Please keep us in your prayer