I just want to explain things....Sometimes people say I'm so glad you have Owen.

I can see where people would say that, but it also makes no sense to me. It doesn't make me feel better at all.

I am so thankful to have my son. I love him more than anything and everyone. I'm so happy to be his mom and I can't even explain how I truly feel about being a mother and the miracle that he is. I thank Heavenly Father everyday for him. My world is so much brighter and happy having him. Being able to experience being pregnant for nine months and birthing him...it's amazing. I love love love Owen. I'm so thankful to be his mother. I  know how truly lucky and blessed I am.

But I should have six more here. I should be able to experience this with all of my children. I am missing out on everything with this six little ones. Six littles ones that I will never get to hold or see grow up or here them laugh. It's hard and nothing will ever take that pain or loss away. I will always grieve for these little ones.

Yes, it does get better and I do try to cherish every little moment with Owen because I don't know if I'll be able to do it again.

I love my son and my six angels.

Normal

I just got the lab results and NORMAL!!! Yesterday they said everything looked PERFECT!!!!!

I want to SCREAM!!! I don't want everything to be NORMAL! I want something to be wrong with me so they can fix me. I want something to be wrong so I can know why I have lost six babies. I want to know why. I don't want it to be normal. I want to be able to fix things so I don't have to go through this anymore. I don't want to have another miscarriage. I want to have another baby...here with me.

three years ago...

I lost my third little one three years ago today. I'm thinking of you today little one.

this was my post on my blog almost three years ago...

a little sad...

I've been trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of things...but every once and awhile a bit of sadness creeps it's way back in. I've been doing a little better the last few weeks, but I don't want my babies to think I have forgotten about them. I'm keeping my mind busy with eating healthy, exercising, and thinking about adoption. I'm just trying to find a way to be happy and not sad. I think if my shooting star had been born, oh how my life would be so different right now...I would have a baby that was a little over a month!! I think if butterfly would've been here...I would be getting a big belly right about now! Then my other little one...I call hummingbird...maybe morning sickness would've kicked in by now. It's crazy to think how different my life would be if my little ones were here. I know they are in heaven together watching over Chris and I.

There are soooo many people I know who have given birth over the last few months and more that are pregnant. I think how did they get sooo lucky. Why am I the one who can't keep a little one? Why did my little ones have to go? What is wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? I see every post their little baby pictures on facebook and it makes me sad. I should be doing that right now. I should be holding my little one!! My heart is broken.

I want to be a mother more than anything. I want my little family here on earth. I want to see my husband hold our baby and just give all his love to life we created. I wish things were different.

Then I think of adoption..and I know how hard it will be to bring in other parent's little ones. How can I make this child feel like I'm there mom? to feel loved? protected? safe?

I have so many thoughts.....I wish we could all get together. I miss my family.

Hysterosalpingogram...also known as HSG

Yesterday I headed to my doctor on a cold rainy windy day to talk about genetic testing. I felt nervous and a little scared, and a little broken with a little hope that we can get some answers. I did some basic testing after my second miscarriage and everything came back normal. I really really like my new doctor and trust him completely. I did blood work yesterday and today the dreaded hsg.

He told me a little bit about it, but not into details. I asked my fb family and googled it and got a little scared and nervous. I took my mom along so I could have some support. I hate that I have to go through all of this and just wish I could have babies easily. I never thought I would be here.

We had to wait for over an hour...the cold hospital. The nurses were nice and explained everything that was going to happen. It was all a little bit uncomfortable and I felt exposed to the whole world. the worse part was feeling the dye move up me. It was really bad cramps moving up my body. It was just about a 15 minute procedure and was happy to have it done. They said my insides looked beautiful, but I will get the rest of the results on Monday.

I hope to get some answers. I want more than anything to have house full of kids. I love being a mother.

This week...

The dreaded time of the month! It gets me every time. Hello...you aren't pregnant. Thanks!

I have an appointment on Thursday to do more genetic testing. Hopefully we will get some answers. 

Today is a hard day...

I've been dreading today for the past few weeks. Today is my due date for my little one we lost in June. My heart is broken. Today I would've met my child. I would hold them so close and tell them how much I love them, how much I wanted them, and how I am their mommy. But today I am here and will always wonder who you would have been and everything I am missing out on. I know you are looking from above, but more than anything I wish you were here little one. You were our first little one we saw on the ultrasound that we lost. I saw you three different times. You were so beautiful. I never lost hope. 

I remember the day I found out about you. It was the day after my grandfather passed away. It was a light and hope in a dark day. I was so happy to have you. I remember telling your daddy and oh how excited he was for you. I told Owen how he was going to be the best big brother. I remember telling my mom and it brought joy to her after losing her dad. I was able to spend almost 10 weeks with you. I dreamed of everything you would be. You made me really sick, but it made me know that you were growing inside of me. I'm thankful for the few weeks we had together. I love you so much little one.

 There were lots of ups and downs during those few weeks. I had to get my levels checked a lot and go in for a lot of ultrasounds. Some times things weren't matching up and the doctor didn't know what was going on. But I had hope little one that I would get to hold you. I never quit fighting for you. I remember the first time I saw you...you were perfect in every way.  I know that one day I will get to see you.

I remember when all the hope was gone and I was losing you. I was broken and your daddy held me. I prayed for you. We put you in a special place in our yard. I go there often. Owen likes to go see the flowers. We miss you little one. I so wish that today I was meeting you. I will always be your mommy! When we lost you the fields around the land were covered in little sun flowers. When I see them I think of you.

I love you little one!

crazy lady

that's what i'm becoming! Everyone around me is pregnant or annoucing they are....I am jealous!