Today is a hard day...

I've been dreading today for the past few weeks. Today is my due date for my little one we lost in June. My heart is broken. Today I would've met my child. I would hold them so close and tell them how much I love them, how much I wanted them, and how I am their mommy. But today I am here and will always wonder who you would have been and everything I am missing out on. I know you are looking from above, but more than anything I wish you were here little one. You were our first little one we saw on the ultrasound that we lost. I saw you three different times. You were so beautiful. I never lost hope. 

I remember the day I found out about you. It was the day after my grandfather passed away. It was a light and hope in a dark day. I was so happy to have you. I remember telling your daddy and oh how excited he was for you. I told Owen how he was going to be the best big brother. I remember telling my mom and it brought joy to her after losing her dad. I was able to spend almost 10 weeks with you. I dreamed of everything you would be. You made me really sick, but it made me know that you were growing inside of me. I'm thankful for the few weeks we had together. I love you so much little one.

 There were lots of ups and downs during those few weeks. I had to get my levels checked a lot and go in for a lot of ultrasounds. Some times things weren't matching up and the doctor didn't know what was going on. But I had hope little one that I would get to hold you. I never quit fighting for you. I remember the first time I saw you...you were perfect in every way.  I know that one day I will get to see you.

I remember when all the hope was gone and I was losing you. I was broken and your daddy held me. I prayed for you. We put you in a special place in our yard. I go there often. Owen likes to go see the flowers. We miss you little one. I so wish that today I was meeting you. I will always be your mommy! When we lost you the fields around the land were covered in little sun flowers. When I see them I think of you.

I love you little one!