three years ago...

I lost my third little one three years ago today. I'm thinking of you today little one.

this was my post on my blog almost three years ago...

a little sad...

I've been trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of things...but every once and awhile a bit of sadness creeps it's way back in. I've been doing a little better the last few weeks, but I don't want my babies to think I have forgotten about them. I'm keeping my mind busy with eating healthy, exercising, and thinking about adoption. I'm just trying to find a way to be happy and not sad. I think if my shooting star had been born, oh how my life would be so different right now...I would have a baby that was a little over a month!! I think if butterfly would've been here...I would be getting a big belly right about now! Then my other little one...I call hummingbird...maybe morning sickness would've kicked in by now. It's crazy to think how different my life would be if my little ones were here. I know they are in heaven together watching over Chris and I.

There are soooo many people I know who have given birth over the last few months and more that are pregnant. I think how did they get sooo lucky. Why am I the one who can't keep a little one? Why did my little ones have to go? What is wrong with me? Am I doing something wrong? I see every post their little baby pictures on facebook and it makes me sad. I should be doing that right now. I should be holding my little one!! My heart is broken.

I want to be a mother more than anything. I want my little family here on earth. I want to see my husband hold our baby and just give all his love to life we created. I wish things were different.

Then I think of adoption..and I know how hard it will be to bring in other parent's little ones. How can I make this child feel like I'm there mom? to feel loved? protected? safe?

I have so many thoughts.....I wish we could all get together. I miss my family.